I leave for Florence on Thursday. I suppose I'll have to write stories on actual paper now.

C'est la vie absurde.

Assignment: Your Italian cousin Robert has sent you a letter inviting you to spend the summer with her at her home in Florence. Respond to this letter.

Cara Roberta,

Sono felicissimo di parlare con te! Non ci vediamo da due anni, e sento la tua macanza. Questi due anni eranno difficilissimi, sin da un calamaro distruggette le gambe di Nonno durante una spedizione di pescare. Dopo, era ammalato con la lebbra, e Herschel badavo a lui, fino a un giorno in cui loro fuori di casa mangiando quando all’improvviso il vento arrivò e Nonno si lasciò trasportare. Herschel cercava molti giorni nel mare, e un marinaio messicano aiutava, ma non hanno riuscito a trovare Nonno.

La notizia era difficile per Nonna, che lavorava a maglia quando Herschel tornò. Lui piangeva, e Nonna sapeva che cosa accadette. Lei gettò la sua sciarpa al camino e piangeva per molte settimane.

Dopo che Nonno sparì, avevo la mansione di dirigere la pescheria, ma ero come un pesce fuor d’acqua. Ha ha ha! È una burla umoristica, vero? Fortunatamente, Mikhail era un bravissimo uomo d’affari, allora generalmente gli dicevo che lui sia in comando, mentre rimanevo con Maria nella quartiere delle case di tolleranza.

Maria è una ragazza gentile. Non è intelligente, ma lei ha gambe che sono abbastanza formose. Lei è anche una danzatore suprema.

            Rispetto alla tua domanda, non riesco andare in Italia, perchè devo rimanere qui e vegliare su di Nonna. Io devo anche vigilare Herschel, che si mutò dopo che Nonno era morto. I suoi occhi sono pazzi. Ieri sera, l’ho visto ululando alla luna. Ho pauro di Herschel.

            Devo finire questa lettera. Spero che tu e Donaldo siate benissimo.

            Affettuosamente,

            Felix

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Dear Roberta,

            I am so happy to speak with you! We haven’t seen each other for two years, and I miss you. Those two years have been very difficult, ever since a squid destroyed Grandfather’s legs during a fishing expedition. After that happened he came down with leprosy, and so Herschel watched over him until one day they were eating outside when suddenly a strong wind came and carried Grandfather into the sea. Herschel searched many days in the sea, and a mexican mariner helped him, but they were unable to find Grandfather.

            The news was difficult for Grandmother, who was knitting when Herschel returned. He was crying and Grandmother knew what had happened. She threw her scarf into the fireplace and cried for many weeks.

            After Grandfather disappeared, I had the duty of running the fishery, but I was like a fish out of water. Ha ha ha! It’s a very humorous joke, yes? Fortunately, Mikhail is a very good businessman, and so generally I ask him to be in charge, while I stay with Maria down at the red light district.

            Maria is a nice girl. She isn’t very smart, but she has legs that are rather shapely. She is also a surpeme dancer.

            In regards to your question, I am unable to come to Italy because I must remain here and look over Grandmother. I must also watch out for Herschel, who changed greatly after Grandfather died. His eyes are crazy now. Last night I saw him howling at the moon. I am afraid of Herschel.

I must finish this letter now. I hope that you and Donaldo are well.

Affectionately,

Felix

If I were to have to choose a Billy Joel song to represent my feelings when two very large and hairy Greek men brandish their machetes at me, I would have to say either ‘Only the Good Die Young’ or ‘Surprises.’

Or maybe Piano Man, I’ve always liked Piano Man.

I was on the ground floor of my office building today waiting for the elevator. As I stood there ruminating on the benefits of applying lemon juice to avocados, a young ruffian sauntered in from outside and stood next to me. The call button was lit, clearly signaling that the elevator would arrive soon, but the ruffian did not seem to understand this. He reached forward and proceeded to mash the button several times before lurching sideways and making an obnoxious sound in his throat. I had intended to think nothing of this clearly absurd occurrence, when there appeared a second ruffian.

They both seemed to know each other as they nodded at one another and made vague facial expressions. The second ruffian then stepped forward and pushed the elevator button several times before turning to his acquaintance to start up a conversation.

“’Sup, du’,” he said.

“’Sup,” the other replied, who then took a step forward and pushed the elevator button three more times.

“It’s a good thing you’re pushing that button,” I said. They both turned to look at me. “Now the elevator knows that there’s an emergency on the ground floor and will stop whatever it’s doing to drop down here.”

“What’chu you playin’ at, foo?” asked the first ruffian.

“I’m not playing,” I replied. “I am in fact a very prominent elevator engineer down at city hall. If you press that button eight times the elevator will immediately cease all activity and go straight to your floor. It doesn’t matter if anyone's inside, because if there’s an emergency, then goddamnit, there’s an emergency.”

The second ruffian turned to the button and pressed it once more.

“Well now it’s too late,” I said. “You’ve pressed it nine times. Now the elevator’s just going to work like a normal elevator.”

They both looked very hurt.